OPINION

OPINION | JOHN BRUMMETT: Yup, it’s nothing but fraud


The latest from the right-wing conspiracy theorists, by which I mean the modern mainstream Republican Party, is that nothing you see about this purported Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce romance--and you surely see a lot--is real.

The thinking is that it's all a dastardly fraud perpetrated on mass American audiences by two powerful conspirators. Those would be the Democratic Party and the National Football League, fellow socialists spouting anti-American slogans such as "end racism."

As the story of this affront to decent America goes, the conspiracy is as follows:

Musical megastar Swift and all-pro tight end Travis Kelce of the defending world champion Kansas City Chiefs are pretending to be hot for each other, which they aren't, of course, because he's way cooler than she.

That way, she started showing up late in the season on Chiefs' game telecasts, screaming and emoting from a private box known to the network camera people, who of course are in on the deal, being socialist and woke themselves.

The football audience grows because there is a major demographic group of young women quite nuts about Swift, who conveniently happens to be on a big tour promoting a big hit record. These young women don't normally vote in large percentages but could be tricked into doing so.

Along the way Kelce did a public service spot endorsing vaccines, revealing himself as a pretend big-government liberal. On cue, Aaron Rodgers attacked him as "Mr. Pfizer." It's unclear whether Rodgers was in on the NFL-Democratic scheme or conveniently nuts.

The Chiefs were allowed by the league and play-actor game officials to advance their unworthy liberal selves to the conference championship game, with the winner advancing in two weeks to the most-watched American television event of the year, the Super Bowl.

The Baltimore Ravens, superior in every way to the Chiefs, purposely lost the game and stood idly by to allow Kelce to make spectacular pass receptions. The Ravens had one of their guys drop the ball just before crossing the goal line. They had their superstar quarterback underthrow a touchdown pass, then hurl his helmet to the turf to pretend he was upset.

At one point, the Ravens executed an elaborately choreographed pass rush on Kansas City quarterback Patrick Mahomes so that Mahomes ended up in such desperate straits that he shoved an end-over-end pass in the vague vicinity of Kelce so that the fake boyfriend could catch it by making his large body fly parallel to the ground. The network cameras, typically in place with script in hand, caught Swift's shrieking ecstasy about her fake boyfriend's heroics.

It is believed that the catch was a computer-generated deal, somehow visible both on TV and to live people in the stadium in Baltimore, who were rooting unknowingly for a home team assigned by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to break their hearts to please Hunter Biden, the real president.

Swift mouthed through the glass to a cameraman "please go away" so that it would appear to the large viewing audience that she didn't want the attention that she was getting paid massive sums by the NFL-Biden conspiracy to draw.

After the Chiefs won, the NFL escorted Swift to the field to hug and kiss Kelce, who was made up to appear dirty and sweaty.

All of that got the Chiefs to the Super Bowl on Feb. 11, at which time Kelce will lead the Chiefs to victory while Swift runs around on the sideline emoting and exulting.

Bogusly, she is saying she might not be able to make the Super Bowl because she'll be in Tokyo doing a concert. That only enhances the drama. The military has offered to transport her parachute-outfitted self on an intercontinental ballistic missile, owing to the commander in chief's orders.

They will not speculate on her chances of a soft 50-yard-line landing, particularly since the Super Bowl site in Las Vegas is a domed stadium.

The next day Kelce and Swift will go to Disney World. The day after that, they will appear with Jimmy Kimmel, and together all three of them will attack Donald Trump.

From that Swift and Kelce will emerge on a year-long lovey-dovey national campaign tour promoting Biden for re-election as well as restored abortion rights state-by-state and compulsory vaccinations against illnesses that don't exist.

Biden will win and Trump will inspire supporters to engage in street combat with Swifties. Charges will be filed, but never against the Swifties, of course, though Trump stresses that they started it.

Sometime next year, with Biden incapacitated as president by a broken hip and Kamala Harris running the country into the ground, Swift and Kelce will break up. She will write a hit song about being done wrong by the sorry you-know-what.

The next NFL season will be left to its own devices and the Chiefs will finish in last place. Kelce won't catch a single pass.

P.S.--Someone needs to ask Sarah Sanders about all this. She and her husband are big Chiefs' fans, the first gentleman being from Kansas City. We need to know if she's in on this conspiracy, betraying Trump for a little fan gratification.


John Brummett, whose column appears regularly in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, is a member of the Arkansas Writers' Hall of Fame. Email him at [email protected]. Read his @johnbrummett feed on X, formerly Twitter.


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